photo by Lara Herscovitch

In June of 2020, I was working at Amazon. Nice environment, but my work schedule was challenging – being awake for 12 hours long. When COVID hit: I had the option to stay home. I settled in that moment – I’m going to stay home.

I’ve been dealing with rejection from an early age, and now I feel like sometimes I reject myself. I want to leave the feelings behind. Some people don’t mind re-watching themselves, re-hearing themselves; I run from that. But in the space of being home during COVID, the Creator told me that I need to start writing about the pain that I feel.

Almost right away, I felt the call in my heart. The Holy Spirit said to me: “you’re a poet, you have poems inside of you.” I like journaling, but I thought, “there’s no way, I don’t have anything to say!” But I accepted the call, said yes, and I began to write.

At the end of last month, when I got the email to CLP alums inviting into The Circle blog, I felt curious, fearful, discouraged, unsure of the power of my voice through poetry. I heard the voice of God say “email back!” My inner-me said “no way” – fear of rejection being my excuse. And I remembered, my Pastor says: “Make adjustments, not excuses.”

Three of my favorite verses:

  • What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? [New International Version, James 2:14]
  • But the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. [NIV, Mark 4:19]
  • Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Whoever scorns instruction will pay for it, but whoever respects a command is rewarded. [NIV, Proverbs 13:12-13]

I thought, it’s time to break free! Do I want to remain in the wounds of rejection? NO! Excuses used to be the sister to my complacency. I made a conscious decision and emailed. I reminded myself, you have faith in God.

The decision to act showed up in other ways too. I met with my Pastor, Dr. Dharius Daniels, on a Zoom meeting mid-November, along with 400 others. I heard the Holy Spirit say ‘click the raise-your-hand’ feature. I was aware of His voice along with my fear and uncertainty as I thought, ‘400 people in attendance, the Pastor is not going to call my name, I will leave my hand down.’

I heard His voice again. I paused, cried and obeyed. I realized I had to be ready to Become. My name was called.  I was shocked, but prepared to release the lies I kept saying to myself, “you’re not a poet.” I opened up from a place of fear and pain of not-becoming.

Pastor Dharius said, “Maria – you are way too hard on yourself, setting timelines that God didn’t set. Some seasons (getting past imposter syndrome, apprehension, and timidity) are longer than we think – trust God in those seasons. Nothing is wasted in this season. There are things you are learning about You. You may be experiencing some moments where God is exposing fruit in this season that may be connected to something else that is rooted that He wants to deal with.”

I’ve been reflecting deeply on this ever since. Something beyond that is the root of what God wants to show me. Chasing down insecurity, fear, etc., as opposed to focusing on the root. Fixing boundary issues, dealing with success guilt. Don’t be overwhelmed or in despair. Wow… It is time to pivot!

This change to Becoming feels like it happened so swift. It’s good. And it’s stinking scary. I am excited. I was rejecting myself and not giving myself the time and the energy to sit and do it. But I will make adjustments, not excuses. I will sit in my creativity and blossom. I will sit and type.

These poems – if they had a phone, they would call me and say “when are we coming out, when are you going to look at us again?” Constantly.

There were some words, some hurt, some tears, frustration, a whole bunch of emotions attached to how I am seeing myself. I didn’t want to think about it, I didn’t want to be bothered by my hurt, my pain. But I had to revisit it to release what was inside. I wrote a poem called “Lil Ol Me,” here is part of it:

Knowing who you are will expose what is inside.

Born to a mother

doesn’t want to know her daughter

wasn’t good glue.

Does she know God created me?

And called me to be

more than just Lil Ol Me.

Searching for a person who would know

of a woman I could be,

not just Lil Ol Me.

Is there more than just Lil Ol Me?

Child of God, wife, mother, sister, friend, auntie –

Not just Lil Ol Me.

This next poem, “Why Am I Black,” was not directed towards anyone, but to remind myself. I was in a ‘why’ space, rediscovering who I am. I didn’t choose being Black, God chose it for me. I wanted to remind myself of that, and embrace it.

Why Am I Black

Why am I Black?

Because this is how God chose me to be.

Why am I Black?

Because this is how it started for me.

I am Black and if you don’t see Black then who could I be?

If I see Black should I be scared to be me Black?

Why am I Black?

Because this is how it started for me Black

from my God Black

from my ancestors Black

and from my parents Black.

Me.

God chose this pattern for me, this skin for me,

this life for me, my Black parents is me.

Why am I Black?

This is how it started for me,

to be free is to see me,

be Black and live in me as the Black I can see.

I am Black, I will be Black forever.

Why Am I Black? Because God chose it for me.

I wrote this one when I was emotional, crying, all over the place. I was thinking, “why do I have to write about this?!” But it helped.

Am I Broken when Spoken to?

Am I broken when spoken to?

Am I woke when going through?

Am I hopeless when I don’t know what to do?

Am I focused on my brokenness,

Hopeless when not spoken –

Blind to when I’m hiding

Behind broken glass of my past,

Can’t last but a moment.

I can be woke

Even in my brokenness.

Far from focused when not spoken to

A heart filled with brokenness

Can be broken into.

Am I broken for not chasing brokenness?

Am I spoken to when going through?

Am I broken when spoken to?

Killing comparison to expose

I once thought I was you.

Trying to make it through

My unspoken words

Not being heard  –

Am I broken when spoken to?

What won’t change my life will assist my life, what won’t assist my life will change my life as I thrive in life. I am looking for myself, even in the pain of adversity. I must locate myself, triumphant, and defeat the pain that has been shaping me. Embracing that pain can only do what I allow it to. I am following; taking heart and being of good cheer. God has already overcome the world, I can get suited up with the full armor of God and remind myself that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

To reach Maria directly: mariasolomon37@gmail.com

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