photo by Lara Herscovitch
In June of 2020, I was working at Amazon. Nice environment, but my work schedule was challenging – being awake for 12 hours long. When COVID hit: I had the option to stay home. I settled in that moment – I’m going to stay home.
I’ve been dealing with rejection from an early age, and now I feel like sometimes I reject myself. I want to leave the feelings behind. Some people don’t mind re-watching themselves, re-hearing themselves; I run from that. But in the space of being home during COVID, the Creator told me that I need to start writing about the pain that I feel.
Almost right away, I felt the call in my heart. The Holy Spirit said to me: “you’re a poet, you have poems inside of you.” I like journaling, but I thought, “there’s no way, I don’t have anything to say!” But I accepted the call, said yes, and I began to write.
At the end of last month, when I got the email to CLP alums inviting into The Circle blog, I felt curious, fearful, discouraged, unsure of the power of my voice through poetry. I heard the voice of God say “email back!” My inner-me said “no way” – fear of rejection being my excuse. And I remembered, my Pastor says: “Make adjustments, not excuses.”
Three of my favorite verses:
- What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? [New International Version, James 2:14]
- But the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. [NIV, Mark 4:19]
- Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Whoever scorns instruction will pay for it, but whoever respects a command is rewarded. [NIV, Proverbs 13:12-13]
I thought, it’s time to break free! Do I want to remain in the wounds of rejection? NO! Excuses used to be the sister to my complacency. I made a conscious decision and emailed. I reminded myself, you have faith in God.
The decision to act showed up in other ways too. I met with my Pastor, Dr. Dharius Daniels, on a Zoom meeting mid-November, along with 400 others. I heard the Holy Spirit say ‘click the raise-your-hand’ feature. I was aware of His voice along with my fear and uncertainty as I thought, ‘400 people in attendance, the Pastor is not going to call my name, I will leave my hand down.’
I heard His voice again. I paused, cried and obeyed. I realized I had to be ready to Become. My name was called. I was shocked, but prepared to release the lies I kept saying to myself, “you’re not a poet.” I opened up from a place of fear and pain of not-becoming.
Pastor Dharius said, “Maria – you are way too hard on yourself, setting timelines that God didn’t set. Some seasons (getting past imposter syndrome, apprehension, and timidity) are longer than we think – trust God in those seasons. Nothing is wasted in this season. There are things you are learning about You. You may be experiencing some moments where God is exposing fruit in this season that may be connected to something else that is rooted that He wants to deal with.”
I’ve been reflecting deeply on this ever since. Something beyond that is the root of what God wants to show me. Chasing down insecurity, fear, etc., as opposed to focusing on the root. Fixing boundary issues, dealing with success guilt. Don’t be overwhelmed or in despair. Wow… It is time to pivot!
This change to Becoming feels like it happened so swift. It’s good. And it’s stinking scary. I am excited. I was rejecting myself and not giving myself the time and the energy to sit and do it. But I will make adjustments, not excuses. I will sit in my creativity and blossom. I will sit and type.
These poems – if they had a phone, they would call me and say “when are we coming out, when are you going to look at us again?” Constantly.
There were some words, some hurt, some tears, frustration, a whole bunch of emotions attached to how I am seeing myself. I didn’t want to think about it, I didn’t want to be bothered by my hurt, my pain. But I had to revisit it to release what was inside. I wrote a poem called “Lil Ol Me,” here is part of it:
Knowing who you are will expose what is inside.
Born to a mother
doesn’t want to know her daughter
wasn’t good glue.
Does she know God created me?
And called me to be
more than just Lil Ol Me.
Searching for a person who would know
of a woman I could be,
not just Lil Ol Me.
Is there more than just Lil Ol Me?
Child of God, wife, mother, sister, friend, auntie –
Not just Lil Ol Me.
This next poem, “Why Am I Black,” was not directed towards anyone, but to remind myself. I was in a ‘why’ space, rediscovering who I am. I didn’t choose being Black, God chose it for me. I wanted to remind myself of that, and embrace it.
Why Am I Black
Why am I Black?
Because this is how God chose me to be.
Why am I Black?
Because this is how it started for me.
I am Black and if you don’t see Black then who could I be?
If I see Black should I be scared to be me Black?
Why am I Black?
Because this is how it started for me Black
from my God Black
from my ancestors Black
and from my parents Black.
Me.
God chose this pattern for me, this skin for me,
this life for me, my Black parents is me.
Why am I Black?
This is how it started for me,
to be free is to see me,
be Black and live in me as the Black I can see.
I am Black, I will be Black forever.
Why Am I Black? Because God chose it for me.
I wrote this one when I was emotional, crying, all over the place. I was thinking, “why do I have to write about this?!” But it helped.
Am I Broken when Spoken to?
Am I broken when spoken to?
Am I woke when going through?
Am I hopeless when I don’t know what to do?
Am I focused on my brokenness,
Hopeless when not spoken –
Blind to when I’m hiding
Behind broken glass of my past,
Can’t last but a moment.
I can be woke
Even in my brokenness.
Far from focused when not spoken to
A heart filled with brokenness
Can be broken into.
Am I broken for not chasing brokenness?
Am I spoken to when going through?
Am I broken when spoken to?
Killing comparison to expose
I once thought I was you.
Trying to make it through
My unspoken words
Not being heard –
Am I broken when spoken to?
What won’t change my life will assist my life, what won’t assist my life will change my life as I thrive in life. I am looking for myself, even in the pain of adversity. I must locate myself, triumphant, and defeat the pain that has been shaping me. Embracing that pain can only do what I allow it to. I am following; taking heart and being of good cheer. God has already overcome the world, I can get suited up with the full armor of God and remind myself that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.
To reach Maria directly: mariasolomon37@gmail.com
Wow. What an amazing testimony and beautiful talent!! Well done sister, well done.
Congratulations, What a beautiful introduction Maria. Yes, you are a poet and so much more. I’m looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hallelujah! We give you glory Lord. Your daughter has creativity. I pray as she frees herself from hurt, pain, and uncertainty through her poetry that you Lord God would free those you read her work. In Jesus name! Amen!
Beautiful poetry Maria and thank you for sharing your words with us. God bless you.
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Aliya
Amen!!! To God be all the glory!! I love you ❤️
Thanks for sharing your voice
Congratulations sister, I’m so proud of you. You are a Poetic. This is a true testimony. I was in tears when I read knowing who you are will expose was inside, I felt it deeply!????????????????????
Powerful words from a woman who contributes so much to her community! We see you and applaud the poet, the message and the the woman!
We value you!
You are such a STAR!!! It’s so great seeing you continue to shine… Congratulations SiSTAR⭐️✨
Wow, my friend Maria…
Your a poet and I didn’t know it???
Hallelujah!!!! Wheeewww today I have been reintroduced to my new journey. Maria is a poet and the greatest gift of it all is God chose me, not you or me. Honored, blessed, appreciated and grateful. With gratitude Maria
Maria so proud of you and blessed to have experienced your beautiful heart and spirit. Thank you for sharing your testimony and journey to become who God created and purposed you to be. Love and appreciate you Queen Maria
Maria, you have a gift! May God use your gift to touch the lives of many. So blessed to see what God is doing in your life!
You are a gift and have a gift. Thank you for sharing your poetry and your struggle with me.
I remember your story of academic struggles and today, you are a poet. You are an inspiration. The Lord will announce you even louder than your dreams, in Jesus name.
Thank you Omo!????????????????????
Beautiful! You could feel that the words came straight from her heart – authentic! Love them!
Wow, absolutely amazing sis! Thank you for sharing your testimony. I enjoyed the poetry. Such a beautiful blessing, love you♥️♥️♥️
Love you too‼️????????????????❤️❤️
Speaks to me and in some ways says what my heart and mouth are not ready to say. Thank you for being a voice in the wilderness for those that may need more time. Keep writing, for you are a poet and I am grateful that you stepped out and stood up in FAITH.
You are a walking testimony! I used to struggle with knowing that what you go through is for someone else. I admire the strength and perseverance that you display in your writing and poems. I thank God he showed you how he sees you and not how we may see ourselves sometimes!! You are indeed a beautiful soul! ❤️