photo by Lara Herscovitch
How did you land on the theme for our conversation today, Building Connection?
About a month ago, I talked to my Uncle Ted, who’s 11 years older than me. He helps me shape my thoughts into words; there’s a certain level of respect and accountability with him. When we talk and after we talk, I text him notes, I ask him specifically to help me start writing.
He helped me see what I was working on. What we put together is:
Building connections to move people into action. Cultivating relationships with people based on shared values, that result in actionable steps to effect change.
I never really quantified why I do the things I do. Part of it, putting down a goal like that, was to reflect the selfless part, that it’s not about me.
It’s something I’m working to achieve; I don’t think I’ve arrived there, I’ve gotten much better at it. The goal part from my point of view, is always about where I’m going, and where I want to get to. I’m always looking to improve that.
You’re planting a flag in the future?
Right, right, right. ‘Cause that represents the internal change, the goal is no longer about me. The goal is to improve engaging with people by being intentionally focused on listening.
What has your relationship with connection been like, historically?
I used to befriend people for my benefit. My motive, I was sizing you up, figuring out who you are, so I could figure out what I could take from you. But now I’m open to you, and I’m looking to give to you. I treat everybody the same as people, it’s no longer about my agenda.
Leadership is a practice not a position. I’m practicing. It’s all about me becoming more of that person, me opening up, and sharing myself with other people, without looking to get any type of benefit. Today it’s about creating space for others to connect with their strength and power.
When I was incarcerated, there was this thing about ‘obey’ that I memorized. One that stuck to me was, ‘obey without seeing the benefit for yourself.’
Is that scripture, or from somewhere else?
It was a kind of biblical newsletter, probably from The Daily Bread — a publication that puts out scriptures based on the day of the week. It’s in the lord’s prayer: Our father, thou art in heaven, please forgive us for our sins, give us our daily bread.
And so, ‘daily bread,’ it’s about, you don’t live just by bread alone, you get fed scripturally. It’s very important, because Peter in the bible, he asks the lord: “I love you, what do you want me to do?” And the lord told him three times, to “feed my people.” Right? And so, part of being an organizer is not just loving the work, but loving the people.
So one of the first things I learned as an organizer – but more importantly as a person – if you love the people, you gotta love the questions. Then, I didn’t know how to make time for people, I didn’t know how to hold space for them before. I had to learn how to do all that. You can’t feed people if you can’t see them. And you can’t see them if you can’t listen to them.
One of the first campaign supporters I met was a retired teacher. We sat down for a one-on-one. I learned to be inclusive of others who didn’t have the same lived experience as me. I learned to invite people to the work without slotting them to my agenda. I learned to allow people to set the pace for their actions.
This has continued to grow for the past five years as an organizer. So, learning to obey without seeing the benefits has grown into “feeling the back of my chair.”
What do you mean by “feeling the back of your chair?”
Feeling the back of my chair is literally. You lean back and allow your back to feel the back of your chair. Instead of leaning forward on the edge of your seat. Feel back of chair is time for patience and prudence.
What would you have done in the past, before the ‘obey without seeing the benefit’?
Many times I would look for people to fit my plan of how to join the campaign. Now I mold the campaign to the person. The person determines how they fit into the campaign, not me fitting the person into the campaign.
Would you like to share anything about your time away, or your story in general?
For me, my incarceration was six times over 20 years, starting in 1987 — I was 25. That was filled with a lot of pain, heartache and shame. My last one was the longest, nine months. I went in in November, came out in August in ’07. Determined, when I came out that door, I was never going to go back.
The first time, I had been arrested for possession of marijuana. Never paid the fine, something else happened, and then those charges put together and I spent a week in prison.
My father was in court. The judge dismissed the fine charge, he said, “I see your father’s been here all day, somebody cares about you.” Years later, my father told me that when I came out of the courtroom, he made me kiss the ground, and told me he was never going to do that again for me.
During incarceration, somebody sent me a devotional. It was morning and night, all scripture. I read it, and to occupy my time, I used to write down my thoughts and everything, using the scriptures. ‘Cause I didn’t trust myself or my own words anymore. I was determined to live by the book, the Bible.
I also learned patience. How? I used to rip and run so hard on Fridays. But every Friday during incarceration, I didn’t do anything. I learned. I literally — didn’t go to Bible study, didn’t watch tv, didn’t talk on the phone. I would get off of work in the kitchen, take a shower, and go lay on my bed and watch the sun go down, wait ’til I fell asleep. I had to practice sitting still. So I did the opposite of what I used to do.
I didn’t know that I was washing my mind. You gotta remember, I’m coming out of addiction, I’m incarcerated, I want to change my behavior – there’s a lot going on, right? This is where the learning started.
The change process in ’07 when I got out, my mother and father were an extremely big part of that. I am Al and Rita Curtis’ son. They made sure I got reconnected to the values they raised me with.
What were those values?
There’s an accountability with them about not just taking care of yourself, but following through on your word. My father: “you can never repay me, just live your life right.” So the amends is a living amends with them.
The expectation from my mother: what’s going to be different this time? ‘Cause I was a professional talker.
And so, the answer was, “I don’t know, but I l know what I’m not gonna do.” For the purpose in my heart, part of my change was gonna be not to argue with my mother anymore. Anything she suggested I do, I was gonna obey. Back to the power of that word. My father’s thing was, “how’s that working out for you? You tired yet?”
Those two people – huge.
In 1996, I was going to a treatment program in Pennsylvania as part of my sentence. That changed my life. That helped me with the discipline of faith, but more importantly, discipline period. I was the kid who never listened.
In Hebrews 12:11 it says, for the moment, all discipline seems grievous – but later, it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. That scripture, through many things, it was like a thought tumbling in my head like clothes in a dryer from ’96 to 2007.
When I got out in ‘07, I go to Gateway to get a Drug and Alcohol Recovery Counseling certificate.
Why did you choose that program?
I landed at Gateway ‘cause during my incarceration, I took a community college class in personal finance from Three Rivers.
The professor taught me pay yourself first, an opportunity cost. I don’t mind paying that cost. The part about not going back? I don’t want to pay that cost any more. Can’t pay that anymore.
And it also turned into an organizing thing, talking about the cost of incarceration. The burden to the family, the burden to the system. There may be a number we’re spending on people to incarcerate them, but the cost is far greater than that number.
The class reignited my love for learning, and put me in the community college system. When I got out and went to Gateway to register, I waited 90 minutes for an advisor. Again, God’s will exists for you in the things you don’t want to do. So, contrarian now, right? Do the opposite. I waited, and that lady put me into the right path.
As a drug and alcohol counselor student, the first thing I said was, ‘I’m here to learn the names of things I already know.’ I had to learn the clinical names; I already had it in me, but I was using it in the wrong way. Now I begin to apply it in a different way.
Was that right away when you got out?
Right away; two weeks after my release. I became fascinated with the process of recovery and the process of change, the tasks that go with it from a counseling perspective. I clung to a book about it, I ate that book. I was studying so hard, ‘cause I didn’t want to go back.
I didn’t know how I was going to pay for it, but I was gonna figure it out. I started taking steps to follow through; part of the change was becoming a man of my word. Within a year, I got the certificate.
Were there other parts of the learning that stand out for you?
I remember learning the system. I’m very good at learning the system. Whether it’s the recovery system, the criminal justice system, I learned to speak the language, that’s what Gateway prepared me for.
My favorite class was art history, it opened me up to seeking images. At some point, I found a picture of a jungle and it felt like my journey hacking the path. One of my first organizing events was at the drug and alcohol recovery fair, where service providers come and meet the graduating students for placements. I set up a table there, and met a painter, Jill Cook. I showed her the picture of the jungle, gave it to her, and she painted it.
It represents ‘can you see the path;’ it is part of my whole connection piece when I work with people. Keep grinding. Fired three or four times, keep grinding. In the Bible, this man had to dig four wells ‘til he got his own. He kept digging, he didn’t complain about the circumstances. He kept digging. Obey. You can’t see the benefit. There’s a path for you when you’re coming out of incarceration; part of my story was to become involved with my path and others’ paths to becoming housed.
I never feel like I’m working, ‘cause I love what I’m doing. I’m getting paid to live my values. I didn’t see this in ’07. But I stayed on the path. I kept grinding.
Thank you for sharing. You mentioned before we started that there is also a big theme today about forgiveness?
There were wounds that I left before I went to prison, my nephews felt like I abandoned them. Now I can see it and I want to help, having the courage to help family members get out of a bad, abusive relationship. Part of that empathy for other people.
During my marriage, my wife would say to me, “are you ever going to do what you say you’re going to do?” There’s a book called The Prisoner’s Wife, so I ended up writing a poem to her about everything I did and put her through, this and that. I called it “A Plea to a Prisoner’s Wife.” Part of the theme was all about doing what I’m saying I’m going to do, the bills I didn’t pay, I put all that in there.
I took my grandsons to the Macy’s Day Parade, I always wanted to do that. Let’s go do that, make it happen. These are the steps I started taking.
When I was working on my pardon, I kept having this block. In an art therapy workshop, my whole thing was about the forgiveness. I couldn’t engage with the pardon because I didn’t see the pardon, I saw my sister crying, “why does he have to steal my stuff to buy his drugs?” When I see my charges, I see my sister and the pain I caused. I’m seeking forgiveness from my sister, and I had to learn to forgive myself.
I realize that to do the pardon, I have to move where I live. I’m living somewhere I’m not on the lease, and I can’t file without my own address. I didn’t even have the ability to believe that I could get my own apartment, because of the criminal record. I had the resources, but I wasn’t free in my mind. I had to free myself from my own limitations to get out of my own way.
It’s an ongoing process, such an ongoing process.
I connected it all to the scripture of faith now. It’s impossible to please Him without faith; faith now is the substance of things we can’t see. But if you trust and believe in God, you don’t need to see him. Back to you can obey without seeing the benefit.
Were you raised in the church?
The UCC connection started with my aunt, my father’s sister. She took me and my sister Audra to the UCC church in West Haven as kids. In the work I do now, I met Marilyn Kendricks at a racial reconciliation dinner at the Church of the Redeemer on Whitney Avenue. She was a UCC minister tasked with bringing mass incarceration workshops to the UCC. We have a conversation there, then boom, she invites me to West Haven Congregational Church to hear the workshop on mass incarceration.
As a kid, I spoke in that church on Martin Luther King Day. I remember it, my grandmother helped me with it. So now, when I go into that church, the memories! I walked by the gift shop and I was transformed. As a little kid I used to go in there all the time after Sunday school.
My grandmother too was a big part of sustaining the change, she was one of the relationships I worked to repair. Her and my father, they were in New Haven. My mother wasn’t as prevalent because she was in Virginia.
My grandmother died in 2009, that was a big marker thing. Her thing was, “as my oldest grandchild, when are you gonna be able to take care of yourself? When I get the Associates degree from Gateway: “Grandma I did it!” You know what her response was? “About time.” That expectation: you know you wasted a lot of time.
How did that feel?
There was an accountability there that was true to her. This was the same woman that held space for me when I was in trouble. That whole part was very strong, reconnecting to the values.
Again, I don’t trust my own words. So I’ve learned to use the words of others as a guidepost and accountability. Now we are in the process of sustaining the change.
Who do you mean by ‘we?’
When I say we, all the people I’ve brought with me. All the people who helped me. My family.
What would you name as your top core values?
Respect, number one.
A lot of it is connected to the values of smart justice. Leadership as a practice not a position. That goes to the fact that we’re all leaders, we’re all equal, everybody’s of value. When I look at people like that, I don’t see them as – I hate to say this – food. I’d look at you before, and all I’d see is what I can get out of you. Now, I’m looking to give to you. I work for you; I’m a servant leader. I’m here for you. Very disarming.
So when I work with people on parole, one of my first jobs as a recovery support specialist, first thing I’m gonna say is, “I’m here to advocate for you. This is all about you.” I carry that into organizing. I think that selfless part is extremely important, and that never left. That helped me build rapport with clients.
I had completed the educational requirements in 2009, but did not receive the degree until 2015, because of 800 dollars. It took me that long to pay 800 dollars, because of the up-and-down instability of my life, the criminal record, living in a shelter for some time, getting fired from a couple jobs, still needing to change more. The boundaries, social cues, and all that.
Do you want to say more?
I didn’t know how to keep my mouth shut. I said some things, and it was also the way I said it, and how I said it, and who I said it in front of. Having the proper boundary, I would have never. Now, I don’t talk like that, it’s a line. Saying some things to some people was enough, it was enough for them to fire me, let’s put it like that.
But that prepared me to go into the Capitol, where it’s all business. Right? I don’t want my funk to get in the way of the relationship. Back to how I take care of myself. ‘Cause I value people, I don’t want them to feel bad. See, I made people feel that when I said some things.
Living my life as a Black man in America, I put my neck in a noose. I tell my grandsons that; the reality is it is there, you’ve got a target on your back. I just spoke to him the other day about his driving, you need to be aware of that, bro. Pick your battles. Put your neck in the noose is a different form of pick your battles.
Learning through the things you suffer. But learning.
And hopefully together changing the culture as we all go.
As we all go. Right? In 2016 or so, I went to a race relations conference put on by DCF. Dr. Ken Hardy, he talked about that. He said we’re all entitled to safety, but we’re not all entitled to comfort. Don’t conflate the uncomfortable feeling in your stomach with you not feeling safe. Sometimes when white people are in conversations about race, they talk about “I don’t feel safe.” No, you’re uncomfortable; let’s set the table with that.
And then he said, let’s just be frank here; all the Black people in the room today, you got to the room today ‘cause you know how to navigate around white people. He saw a man who was getting his fruit salad, and he was careful not to get the watermelon. And he asked him why not? The man said, I don’t want to feed into the stereotype. Which is that Black men love fried chicken, watermelon, and white women.
But see, this is what his noose looked like. Ken Hardy was saying, “it’s just fruit salad, bro.” But that’s how he saw it, that’s his perception, that perception was his reality, was his truth.
When I first got to the ACLU Connecticut around 2018, we did a rally by Trinity College, Joe Biden was here, about 2,500 people were in line, we passed out People-Not-Prison cards and pins.
I get a call from a white, retired teacher, who wanted to help. We go into the conference room to talk, and we came out friends. Forget about organizer, supporter, there was a bonding that happened. When I’m talking to her, she starts crying. See, my thing is, I don’t shame anybody, I invite you into the work. She told me that somebody told her, “You can’t help because you’re white.” She said, the way you treated me, you never talked about that. She’s like, “wow what a difference.”
Servant leader. Color is never mentioned in the Bible. Love my people, feed my people.
How does faith show up for you today in building connection with others?
For me, it’s about God’s will. I ultimately think that part of the whole change, and the empowerment, and the strength, and the courage, all comes from being aligned. When you take the selfish “I” out of it.
I could come to a person now with openness, and embrace whatever they bring to me. There’s no judgement, there’s nothing in between. The me who’s in front of you, is no longer a block. When it’s a selfish me, it’s a block. The selfless me opens up a channel between the two of us. God can only do for you what He can do through you. He’s working through me.
Back to the spiritual part of the connection and being a servant leader. Being open, and constantly being aware of getting out of the way. Trusting, vulnerability, all the things that didn’t serve me in my former life, are now tools. Honesty, openness, courage, willingness, I am now able to model vulnerability to build connection. They keep me on the path.
I realize I have my limitations, strengths and weaknesses, and I’m not afraid of that. Because it’s more about I’m walking towards my dreams and not running from my fears. That continues to grow inside of me – the strength to be in those conversations, to have those courageous moments, to lean into the uncomfortable moments, to dare to connect.
Learn more about Anderson at ACLU Connecticut
Connect with Anderson directly: andersoncurtis32@gmail.com