photo of Carmen by Lara Herscovitch; family photo contributed

The last year was traumatic for me both personally and professionally. Two of our program participants died. Some were victims of violence, others were substance abusers, others were incarcerated. It isn’t just work to me, I can’t let go – I cared deeply and make a way for them to always have place to come home in our program. At age 33, my son-in-law got COVID and had a mild heart attack (he is ok now, but my personal superhero could have died, and it would have felt like losing one of my daughters).

A mind is a powerful thing. Mental health struggles impacted so many of us, inside and outside of my own family. How could it not, with so many of us closed off from visiting loved ones, from hugging each other. When COVID hit, out of the blue the only person leaving the house was my husband, who is an essential worker. Later my whole family became essential workers. I was the only one home; I cried on a weekly basis.

All of a sudden, I was forced to be homebound and help home-school my grandchildren. This was an all-hands-on-deck situation, I learned a lot about myself and my family. I learned I’m not a great student; I’m much more comfortable doing things hands-on, doing the work in the community, and connecting with others. I have learned true patience, acceptance, and that it’s ok to ask for help. The biggest lesson was that family is important, that we are resilient, and we like being around each other. I learned that I could get the same feeling of accomplishment in doing things for and with them, as I would in doing something in my community.

My mindset didn’t change overnight. The point is, I chose my focal point: Life, Love and Gratitude. It all put into clear focus for me how important my family is.

My husband Victor is an incredible person, parent and champion of all things Nieves; we’ve been together for 32 years. His “I’ll take care of the family, you go do what you need to do” is a gift I have sometimes taken for granted, but I am working on it (smiling). We have four grandchildren and three daughters, and they are people-helpers too – one is an assistant store manager at Home Depot, another a parent navigator for the City of Norwalk, and my 28-year baby is a case worker at Yale New Haven Health, working with individuals who have mental health issues.

Ever since my son-in-law’s heart attack, I realized I really wanted to be intentional about showing my family the gratitude I feel. And we realized we’ve got to do stuff together. And I realized I can’t continue to focus on all the negative. During COVID, my daughters formed a bowling team called Mama Bear and Cubs Bowling Team. The first game we ever bowled was so funny.  We walked in the bowling alley and could see other teams looking us and saying ‘who are they?’ We looked real official, dressed in all black with matching shirts only to bowl 130. Later, we enrolled our grandsons into a lacrosse league. It all started to come naturally, we started to do more stuff together.

As part of my work, my students make benches. We call each one an “innovation station” because wherever it’s placed, the idea is that you’re going to sit in it and think about how you can make your life better and make a difference in your community. Sometimes thinking about it, talking about it and giving it voice has initiated change.

I made a bench too, as a gift for Victor. The inscription on my bench includes that it is: “a place to sit together and watch over our family as they grow and flourish. Let it represent a safe place to think and be reminded of how much we love them now and forever.” (Even as I re-read that here, I cry.)

I wanted to show my family that they matter, that they’re important. I realized I would put on a full-on production for other people, but not do it for my family. And they matter just as much. “We can say ‘I love you.’ But I realized it’s the way I show you I love you is what makes all the difference. Somethings don’t need words to be understood.”

My whole philosophy for the new year is, let’s figure out how to see the good in what’s happening – let’s elevate that. Although it’s true, I didn’t post on social media saying, I’m depressed, or my diabetes is up, or I feel alone and scared – nobody wants to read that. I set my focus on what’s happening that’s good. It started with self – be grateful for what I have, don’t focus on what I don’t have. People get energized by being around other people who are energized, innovative, funny and kind. I want to be and do that.

I started creating and planning experiences for my family. Full-blown, agenda, activities, all of it. The energy that I put into events I do in the community, I’m doing that at home (and one benefit is that we are testing what things work and sharing thoughts about how the activities can be improved and shared!):

  • Every day acts of kindness: Slip a note in their wallet, buy a scratch off, send a funny text, tag them in affirmation, give each other a random hug or kiss, bring them lunch. Almost anything is fair game.
  • For Christmas, we created a family Mingle & Jingle Event with music, silly holiday hats and photos, games, breakout activities, arts and crafts.
  • For Valentine’s Day, we talked about expression – that actions speak louder than words. How do you show somebody you’re happy, or you love them, or you’re grateful? My grandkids’ answers: “I would give you a kiss,” or “I would smile.” We each created a ‘gratitude jar.’ We used ribbons, stickers, sayings – each person made their own and decorated (and filled) it with pictures and decorations and words that represented what they’re grateful for: “an idea… be kind… sparkle every day… love is… yes I can…” The goal is to add good times, memories, and things we are grateful for, so we can read them later.
  • We made ‘love bug’ crowns and picture frames with popsicle sticks. Some of it was cheesy – glued-on hands, googly eyes, hearts, but the message was that there are different ways to be a love bug: you can give someone something, you can make them something, or write something.
  • We made up stories using a special set of dice that give characters, place, and an activity word, plus an opening sentence like, “while I was on vacation…”

I’m reinventing myself. I joined Untapped Potential, a group for women who are re-entering the workforce or pivoting into new ventures or projects. Through them, I found a mentor and sisterhood over coffee. I returned to school in my 50’s. I’m in school for broadcasting – I am the only female in my class, and the only person over 30. (And as I re-read that, I wonder, “what is that about?” and am smiling.) I’m studying all phases of production, with a vision towards creating a social enterprise to give people a platform to tell their incredible stories and support non-profits. I don’t need to be another nonprofit – we need to figure out how to support the ones we already have and foster more leveraged and collaborative work.

I’m an artist – a photographer – ever since my husband bought me a camera when my granddaughter was born nearly 13 years ago. I have known what it’s like to need to change focus, to capture moments good or bad. I wanted to be different, to start this year in the positive. I refused to start the new year in the negative!

I don’t always get it right. I still cry, I still get sad. But I love hard even when I don’t say it; I am being intentional about my focus, and looking for all the little moments that keep us connected. This whole year will be full of transition and gratitude. What’s around me? Who’s around me? Where can I make a difference? More importantly, what do I need to let go of and be ok with?

Henry David Thoreau wrote, “It’s not what you are looking at that matters; it’s what you see!” I look for beauty, potential, and opportunity in our city and its people. I live by the idea that life is like a map; there is more than one way to get someplace. All we need is a good guide and being open to taking the journey. I believe everyone has the right to decide for themselves what opportunities to take or leave with respect. Ask the question, ask for help, and take the first step.

This blog post is dedicated to my Family, Friends, and Spirits who are my guides, my loves and my inspiration. May 2021 bring us all good moments to be grateful for. I wish you well, good health and safe travels.

To reach Carmen directly: canieves_bridgeport@yahoo.com

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