photo by Mackenzie Stroh
Concluding her TEDx Cambridge talk, “The Fear of Missing Out,” Priya Parker quotes Howard Thurman: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
In 2010, she collapsed on a cross-country flight, was wheeled off the plane on a stretcher, and taken to an emergency room in Atlanta. Following months of medical tests and consultations, her doctor advised that “ambition and stress place the body on a war footing.”
Her 93 year-old grandfather asked if she knew what the word svaasthy (स्वास्थ्य) meant. (She did – it’s the Hindi word for health). He went on to explain that its root is from Sanskrit – sva (self) and sthya (seat) – so health is to be seated inside yourself. She took some time off to rest, including time alone to heal. And it became clear she had lots of company. She was visited by other “hard-charging, high-performing people,” who shared – sometimes only via whispers – that they too had collapsed, were losing chunks of hair, or were suffering from lockjaw or insomnia due to stress and anxiety.
Parker embarked on intensive research to understand the unique anxieties of “the next generation of socially-concerned, globally-minded leaders.”
Two themes stood out. First was a profound increase in the types of life choices: who to marry, whether to marry, what to study or do. This has resulted in fewer traditional tethers, more possibilities and less certainty. Second was suffering from the modern anxiety of opportunity costs. “We’ve been taught to relentlessly maximize our options. We live in fear, to make sure we’re trying to live the best of our possible future scenarios…. variously consumed with two terms – FOMO, the fear of missing out, and FOBO, the fear of better opportunities.”
She shares five activities that most obstruct our ability to thrive:
- “GTD (getting things done) syndrome,” prioritizing productivity over purpose;
- Hedging our bets by keeping doors and options open;
- “Maintaining as a way of life” (instead of creating and building);
- Not prioritizing our mastery of the things we choose to do; and
- Staying stuck in our head, not physically engaging our bodies in activities that increase creativity, relaxation or refueling.
And four that help us thrive:
- Asking ourselves, listening to and honoring our answers to the question: What kind of life do I want;
- Choosing between multiple options and accepting that the outcome may be less-than-perfect (instead of always trying to do everything or worrying if we’ve chosen the best possible activity); and
- Getting good at saying no, together with
- Holding true to our guiding principles.
Parker’s background and training is in conflict resolution; she has worked on peace processes in the Arab world, southern Africa and India, as well as on American college campuses in race relations – including as a founding member of the Sustained Dialogue Campus Network.
Her current work continues to dive into creating meaning in modern life; her recently-published book is The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. At her TED2019 Talk on creating transformative gatherings, she asks: “despite all odds, and with integrity, how do you get people to connect meaningfully, to take risks, to be changed by their experience?”
She encourages us, when gathering, to address our deeper needs and let the form or habitual elements of an event (the cake and candles, gifts, rituals, and the like) come second. Instead of being rote and keeping people at a distance, gatherings can instead create the conditions for meaning and relevance. At a family or group dinner, she invites us to “create a temporary alternative world through the use of pop-up rules.” We can ask ourselves, what does the family, group or host need right now. Instead of arguing about opinions, we can invite attendees to share stories on a theme; for example, a personal story about difference, or belonging, or a time we changed our mind. She explains that this can “give us a way into each other, without burning the house down… In diverse societies, pop-up rules carry special force. They allow us to gather across difference, to connect, to make meaning together without having to be the same.” These types of gatherings can, “at their best, allow us to be among others, to be seen for who we are. And, to see. The way we gather matters. Because how we gather is how we live.”
Curated by The Circle’s Creative Director & Editor, Lara Herscovitch (Cohort 10). To reach Lara directly: thecircle@clpnewhaven.org or Lara@LaraHerscovitch.com