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One of the exercises in CLP is about identifying and clarifying our own personal values. We each identify our top 5 values, writing one each on 5 index cards. Then we have to drop one… and another… until we are forced to choose our number 1, top value. What is your current One right now and why?
Relationships. And courage. Those two are tied for me.
I believe relationships are at the foundation of everything, whether they’re healthy or not. Not just family relationships, but also friends, and relationships with customers or patients. If I develop a great rapport and trust with my patients, it’s more likely they’ll be successful in treatment and in life in general.
Networking relationships are the cornerstone for businesses being able to sustain themselves, because you support each other. When I went into private practice, I decided to reach out to a diverse group of private practice clinicians – art therapists, family and marriage therapists, psycho-analytic therapists, and more. I wanted to make sure we support each other and refer to each other. Right before COVID hit, my goal was that we’d get together as a group, unwind, and support each other. For now, we keep in contact on the phone and video.
Relationships was also my number one strength on the Strengths Finder assessment.
Second, courage – because relationships are scary. Old relationships are scary, because they know the good, the bad and the ugly about you, so you have to face that stuff. New relationships are scary too; how do you build that trust?
To accomplish anything, you have to have courage. And it’s scary. When I decided to leave group practice and go out on my own two years ago to start my own private practice in integrated psychotherapy, it was scary. Writing my first book was scary. It takes a lot of courage to make your dreams come true, take risks and go after what you want.
I hear you. The fear of failure and success are both very real.
Absolutely. And I’ma tell you the truth – most people with PTSD have fear of success even more than fear of failure. I personally have PTSD from my childhood, but I’m on the other side of it, I’ve healed from my trauma.
Do you want to say more about that?
Yes. It’s that inner voice, the core negative belief system of self-doubt, fear that people are judging you. And because you believe that people are judging you, you don’t even try to succeed, you just stay in your comfort and don’t take risks. A lot of the inner monologue of self-doubt and anxiety being triggered, is: ‘what if I sound dumb.’ Imposter syndrome kicks in and makes you think ‘I’m not as smart as they think I am,’ or ‘I don’t know what I’m doing,’ or ‘I’m not as successful.’
But it’s all false, it’s all irrational. It comes from the emotional side of our brain, a lot tied to the painful experiences that you went through with your trauma, causing you to have deep-rooted self-doubt.
I’m on the inner peace side of it. It’s hard to get to that side. There are still some residual emotional scars leftover, which are just a reminder that the trauma occurred but is not an obstacle anymore.
I really appreciate the ways our culture is shifting to an openness about how many of us – if not all of us – have struggled with these things.
Yes, and the interesting thing is, why is therapy helpful to people? Fifty percent is accepting and venting and owning up to the parts that affect you in a specific way or become an obstacle. If you struggle with self-doubt and imposter syndrome, the first part is saying that. And it’s scary to even own up to that.
Owning up to it de-stigmatizes it and makes it ok to talk about it and then learn how to move forward.
What is one big, burning leadership question you are wrestling with these days?
Am I doing enough, am I contributing enough, am I doing my part in my area of expertise, am I reaching the people who need it?
I came from the nonprofit, on-the-ground grassroots world, in alternative-to-incarceration programs, job corps education, juvenile review boards, then moved into group psychology practice. In the past, I did a lot of things in the community – groups, talks with youth, restorative justice, training.
Since I switched over to private practice by myself, I don’t have the time to do all that, so I ask myself if I’m doing enough. I was a very hands-on leader in the past, and now I’m looking for new avenues to reach people, trying to use different mechanisms to get messages and information out there.
Part of my self-growth was not to find my voice – I always, already had my voice – but to have the courage to use it in the way that I wanted to use it. I believe in a lot of social justice movements that exist. And I know there are different ways to contribute and be a part of a movement.
Which is what pushed me to write my first book about navigating trauma, and now I’m working on finishing my second one on grief and loss. On Sundays, I do a live talk show for free, for an hour on TikTok, on healthy relationships. I post motivational, positive messages every day on TikTok, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram about healthy relationships – with yourself and with others. Also, tips about handling anxiety and depression are posted on a weekly basis. It’s PTSD awareness month – June 27 is PTSD Awareness Day – and Pride month, and Father’s Day is coming up, so we’re posting about all of that as well. I’m creating a YouTube channel to upload the live shows I’ve done and recorded – on forgiveness, how to restore your relationships after damage, healthy dating, and more.
What inspires you, gives you hope these days?
I know we live in a world with a lot going on. If we only watch the news or read the newspaper, we’d think there’s only negativity. But the truth is, what inspires me and gives me hope is people, kindness. The small acts of kindness that exist, that make more of an impact than big ones.
I subscribe to many YouTube channels, all on positivity, even some in Chinese and I read the subtitles. It’s all so powerful. I love different cultures and languages. I believe that if we were more open to inclusivity, and not forcing people to learn English, not forcing people to adhere to our culture – if we accepted other cultures, the world would be a better place.
All the positive, kind acts around the world give me hope. It’s the glass half-full instead of the glass half-empty. I look at the world through the lens of the good things happening, and not these negative things happening.
When something tragic happens and everybody comes together – that unity inspires me. I wish it would continue without tragedy. To see people heal, be happy and kind to each other, even if they don’t agree. They don’t have to agree. In my mind, Republicans and Democrats can come together and have lunch, in a kind, cordial way.
This work of transformational change is hard. Stepping in, stepping up, over time, can be draining – physically, intellectually, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. How do you recharge, restore, take care of yourself, rekindle your fire?
Number one – boundaries. It’s huge. Knowing when to turn certain things off. I had to learn that. I want to help everyone, but I can’t. I decided to not work on Sundays and Mondays. Notifications off, I don’t check my phone. I had to do that for myself. Even though I’m really busy with patients, if someone is in need, it’s still hard for me to say no. But it’s not realistic. So a month ago, I deleted my profile on Psychology Today, so that I would not receive so many requests. It was hard, because the need is bigger than the capability of the field – especially clinicians who speak Spanish.
Number two – self-care. It has to be daily. That means saying no sometimes. The most powerful tool in life you can learn is saying no. If you know you’re working a 10-hour day, you shouldn’t plan to do anything else after but unwind. Watch a favorite show, take a bath or shower, listen to music. Every morning, I listen to something motivational, to get myself in the right mindset.
Number three – get enough sleep.
Number four – live a healthy lifestyle, including exercising and eating right. Work out for even five or ten minutes, stretch, any movement.
Number five – self-reflection. I am super, overly organized. I set goals for myself every day, but I make sure they’re realistic. I bought a task notebook, you list the things you’ll do, and there’s a box on the right to check it off. My goal is to accomplish 80% of it: working with patients, errands, finances, paperwork, laundry, cooking. I give myself the opposite of self-critical, I’m being self-compassionate. It’s the things I would do anyway, but you should get credit, because it’s work! I never do the same thing every day – I’m not a routine person. Which is why I’m always working on a project – you have to know yourself.
Number six – Healthy conversations with your support system, whoever that is. For me it’s my partner, or my sister or brother.
Number seven – Know yourself and what you need. Pay attention to your needs, your body, your mind, take breaks when you need them, take time off.
Introduce us to someone you are or were close with, who shaped (or shapes) you and how you view leadership and possibility for a better community or world?
Barbara Fair. For a lot of people in Connecticut – and for me too – she exemplifies social justice, activism, being the voice for people who feel voiceless, holding people accountable, etc. The most powerful thing that happened recently that she was a part of, was in the Stop Solitary CT movement. A bill to ban solitary confinement was passed in the State Senate and House, and the Governor signed it today.
When Connecticut was sending inmates to upstate Virginia maximum security, Barbara was part of that movement and even participated in the protests outside of the Virginia jail. They did bring them all back – a little late, a couple of people died down there.
But she’s not just an activist. As a woman, she is a matriarch in her family. She’s an amazing mom, she always makes time for her family. She exemplifies what a woman is in not giving up, even when people are against you or don’t believe in what you’re doing. When you’re the only person standing there demanding something and people look at you like ‘the angry Black woman,’ and she’s not.
I also look up to her as a clinician; she’s a licensed clinical social worker. She practiced for a long time. I’ve been around her for 16 years, and I’ve seen a lot of amazing things happen. I admire her – she’s coached me, mentored me, as a woman, and helped me figure out what I wanted to do to move forward in my career and in life.
What do you recommend to us, in each of these categories:
- Reading – Choose the right genre, know yourself to know what captures your interest, what challenges you intellectually, or excites you. I encourage people to join a book club; I’m part of a national Spanish women’s book club called Las Comadres. I read all kinds of genres, but three I’d recommend: The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk, Fail Up: 20 Lessons on Building Success from Failure by Tavis Smiley. For people who have their own business, Pitching and Closing: Everything You Need to Know About Business Development, Partnerships, and Making Deals that Matter, by Alexander Taub and Ellen Dasilva.
- Listening – Audio books. One I loved recently, Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s book, My Beloved World, read by Rita Moreno.
- Eating – Everybody always wants to try to figure out how to eat healthy. But everybody’s mind and thought process always goes to the negative; removing stuff. I would do the opposite – add things. Add more vegetables, add more water, add fruit. If you do that more, you’ll notice that you’ll reduce eating unhealthy. Add instead of subtract.
- Watching – When I watch things, it’s for self-care, to unwind. For me, what is calming, what I love, is the water. I always do a mindfulness routine for myself before a big event, including listening to ocean waves. One of my favorite shows, because it’s constantly showing water, is Hawaii Five-O. And they’re trying to solve crime, and keep people safe.
- Laughing – Comedy is always very healing and self-soothing. Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop – 2 is my favorite, or Chris Rock.
- Wildcard – You know how you bring your car to a shop, and they scan the whole car to see if there’s anything wrong with it? My recommendation is that people do that for themselves, a check-in. Reflect on where you are now. Are you happy? If you’re not – and it’s ok if you’re not – what do you want to do differently? Take the risk to live your life to the fullest.
Learn more about Kyisha at her website, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok or LinkedIn
To get in touch with Kyisha directly: Kyisha@KVtrainingandconsultation.com
Great interview, thank you for sharing. I appreciate your reflection on your leadership impact and I agree self care is a must.