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One of the exercises in CLP is about identifying and clarifying our own personal values. We each identify our top 5 values, writing one each on 5 index cards. Then we have to drop one… and another… until we are forced to choose our number 1, top value. What is your current One right now and why?

Faith. My faith has gotten me through. And I don’t just say faith because I’m a Reverend. After having a brain aneurysm, doctors told my daughter that I was not going to survive the surgery. Instead, they should plan my funeral – the doctors didn’t want to give my daughter and family false hope.

God saved me. I survived the surgery and partial paralysis. I am alive and grateful.

When did that happen?

Three years ago – directly related to what happened the year before.

In 2016, four years ago, my son was home for an event at my daughter’s culinary school, ConnCAT. That night, he went out to my sister’s house, and on the way home was murdered by mistaken identity.

That night traumatized our life; it destroyed me. My son and I were texting at 1:00am about when he was coming home, and then I received a phone call at 1:30am from my sister in Boston telling me that he was shot. When I arrived at the crime scene, I learned that he was murdered. It was devastating.

That night triggered PTSD and depression – and I was unaware I had them. I was trying to manage the grief, not the other symptoms. All three wreaked havoc in my life. I just knew I lost my son. The symptoms were showing up in my body, and I ignored them for months until I could not anymore.

I did all the things we are conditioned to do: pray more, rely on my strength as a Black woman and resume my life, including work. People kept telling me ‘you can get through this.’ I believed the hype and the stigmas associated with speaking about your pain and crying every day. People did not want to hear my pain; I carried the stress internally and returned to work. Then, I crashed. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

After my attempt to return to work, I experienced emotional triggers involving my son – because it was the last place we were together as a happy family. This ignited anger and irritable behaviors which were characteristics of trauma, unbeknownst to me. My nights were restless and full of nightmares and guilt because my son had been home at my request.

A year later, I had new employment and thought I was doing better. Unfortunately, I was still carrying the weight of the grief. I had the brain aneurysm on my son’s birth date.

I’m so sorry for your loss and pain.

Thank you. It has been an emotional rollercoaster of events. Grief and trauma are not uncommon in the Black culture. In June of 2018, my doctor informed me that I can’t return to work. That the person and professional I was, is gone.

Everyone else knew that I was not going to return to work. I was unaware of the severity of my medical condition and the full impact on my body. I was really in denial, struggling to accept my new restrictions. I tried to reclaim my old life, and kept failing. My doctor said, you’re not returning to the career you had; the demand and pace is too severe and you just can’t do it – you have to find something else that brings you joy, reinvent yourself.

Today, I am stronger and managing the lingering side effects of the aneurysm on my life. Currently, if I ignore my body feeling overstimulated, the repercussions are severe and exhausting. Therefore, I’m learning to take care of myself.

As I started wondering about reinventing myself, somebody I trust said I should tell my story in the arts.

What was your reaction to the idea?

I first thought, I can’t do this. And my friend said, but you know people who can. It was the first seed planted that eventually became Interruptions.

My network of support emerged to write grants, coach me on how to become a producer for a stage performance, and make recommendations for cast and staff. I needed the experts to just tell me what to do.

I had no idea it was going to be like this – it’s not just my true story, I hope it will resonate with the many families who also had trauma in their life. I want to help debunk the myths, stereotypes and talk about all the things we’re told not to talk about. The dark side of grief and trauma.

People want to hear that you made it through the storm, not your life in the storm. The pain, grief, anger with God, and traditions we were taught to honor that cause us to not share about our life. It was co-written with my daughter and two of my son’s best friends from high school. We seldom hear about how gun violence impacts young, middle-class adults. The story is unveiled across gender and age, it’s multi-generational.

How will you be presenting it?

It has morphed. It was originally supposed to be a stage production. But because of COVID, now it’s a virtual production. It has been about a year and a half working on it; we went into rehearsals earlier this month, and we filmed last week. Even though it wasn’t planned that way, and half the budget had to be cut after COVID, the message is present. It will be free to watch any of three airing times with a community conversation held in between.

You mentioned your number one core value is faith. How has faith been a part of your healing?

Even as an ordained minister, my faith did not lessen my anger and hostility. As a servant of the gospel, I took God’s lack of intervention personally; there was an emotional conflict between the inherited traditions of my faith practices and Christian language. Basically, every night I’m praying, demanding an answer: “where is my son?” Months later, God answered my question through a dream.

One of my mentors is a Bishop; he prayed me through my first year. He told me ‘God doesn’t care about our human body, He cares about our soul.’ He mentioned I have no idea what health conditions my son would have if he lived; God saved his soul. It took me months to adjust, and honestly, I still am. It doesn’t stop me from missing my son, but the explanation helps to soothe the pain.

That’s why I talk about my faith. If it wasn’t for the God intervention dream, I probably would have lost my daughter too. In the hospital bed, I gave it all to God, because I needed to fight for my life. And I recovered.

My daughter was told I could still die – in the three days after the surgery or three months. It was so painful for her living with this notion every day. Is her mother going to wake up every morning?

Thank you for sharing your story.

I’m here. And I’ve got some deficiencies, but I’m here. I’ll take it. So that’s what I mean by my faith. Because I know God. And by Grace and mercy, I am here.

How did becoming a Reverend show up on your journey?

I’ve been serving in the church for over thirty years. I graduated from Hartford Seminary’s Black Ministers Program in 1997 and then earned my Master of Arts degree in 2003. I finally accepted the call to preach in 2014, and was ordained last year. I’m now an adjunct professor at the Seminary. It is a pleasure to serve and develop new leaders for ministry.

How did it feel to be ordained last year?

It was a burning desire in me to be ordained, I felt like it was the next right step. My challenge since the brain aneurysm is being comfortable with certain restrictions. But I have been blessed to reinvent myself even in the pulpit. I am grateful that I can still teach, even though my method of preparation and delivery has changed.

How has it changed for you?

I use notes all the time to increase my memory and recall of dates and times. I know most people say, ‘I didn’t have an aneurysm and I need notes and forget all the time.’ I smile, but the aneurysm is different. I am truly grateful for audio books and an outline.

In the Interruptions production, I hired somebody to play my character. She needed to be out of state for a week during our in-person rehearsals, and was visiting a COVID hot spot. It was important to grant her the time away, and as producer I could not risk her returning to the set without 14 days of self-quarantine. So, guess who has to step in and play herself? Though I didn’t really want to, the director looked at me and said, ‘you’re the one who knows the story.’

I had to step in and relive my life for the past three years. Thankfully, I had professional Yale School of Drama cast around me and a great Director and friends for comfort. I hired my nephew to manage the lighting for the production and he and my Coop – my son – have strong similar features; that was hard.

What is one big, burning leadership question you are wrestling with these days?

It is one of the things that helped me with having to play myself and the feeling of, ‘I can’t do this because I can’t remember.’ It’s what I learned from CLP, and through my prayer, ‘God, I can’t do this.’

I let go of the ‘I can’t. I stopped concentrating on who I’m not, and concentrated on who I am. The transition was huge. You’re not an actor. You’re a mom, you know your story; you’re a teacher, and a preacher. Those are the three hats that I use to help other people to change their lives. The other titles and skill sets, you’ve never been, and you can’t be. So be who you are.

That has helped me to shift. When I showed up at rehearsal, they were proud of me – I wasn’t trying to be an actor. I was teaching, preaching, or being a story teller. So for me, as a leader, I can’t worry about who I’m not anymore, what I can’t do – it’s who I am and what I can do. That’s what’s helping me to get through this.

Is there also a theme of leaning on others for support?

Yes. I learned to ask for help, which was difficult. Asking for help and being vulnerable. There was a phase where I wasn’t working, I didn’t have health insurance, monies for food or bills; all these transitions while recovering from an aneurysm. Including being present for my granddaughter who was four years old and feeling the stress in the house. It was embarrassing and humbling to ask for monies to pay a bill or purchase food. But I needed both and they came through as support without judgment.

Was it difficult to also to ask God for help?

No, it wasn’t difficult asking. God made me certain promises and I reminded God daily of those promises in the scripture. I learned to push back on God. As a child, I was taught never to question or get mad at God. Those were the inherited faith traditions I had to release myself from honoring if I wanted to survive. It was just difficult waiting for an answer. And when I tell you God showed up, God showed up and out! It was clear. God sent angels to help me in every area of my life. That’s when I knew, I was being blessed and didn’t need to worry.

Everybody has something that they stress about. Mine are paying my bills, having food, and health care. Once all those were covered, all I had to do was rest.

What inspires you, gives you hope these days?

I don’t know. It’s been difficult. It’s been difficult to be happy, to look forward to something. It’s still something I wrestle with. I live in the moment. I live in the space of where I am. When I am eating, I’m enjoying the meal. I’m not rushing or thinking about what I have to accomplish next. If I’m driving, I’m in that space, I’m not thinking about what I have to do when I get there. It has helped me to relax and appreciate that moment in time and where I am. My family and I had plans for our life; in the last four years, they have all changed. Therefore, I live for the day.

I had plans with my son, and he’s not here. My daughter was moving out of the house, and now she can’t. I had plans for this phase of my life, and that’s not where I am. I’m someplace else trying to figure life out. So, what gives me hope? I can say that God has given me a gift of persistence and resilience. I just know that every day I’m going to be persistent about something, and I’m going to be resilient, and I’ll figure it out.

I’m living with this production. So when people say, ‘what are you going to do next’ – I can’t have that conversation. Let me just get through this.

You talked about bringing messages through your production to others, does that bring you hope?

Yes, yes. Spiritually, I felt that I needed to tell the story, to help Black families and communities of color to become educated on trauma and the myths around counseling. In the Black culture there is a stigma around counseling. We are taught to pray more and keep our pain silent. It was through my trauma counseling sessions that I realized my behaviors were symptoms of PTSD and depression.

Following the diagnosis, I was advised to stop drinking as it only fueled my depression. I also began to learn about epigenetics and how trauma can leave a chemical mark on a person’s genes, which then is passed down to subsequent generations. I made a conscious choice not to be numb but to take action to stop the violence and bring attention to the cycle of generational trauma.

Four months after my son’s murder, I was no longer numb to the repeated shootings of other young Black men around the Slyce Pizza Bar in Hamden, near SCSU. A community-based organization I was a leader in, approved my request to work to stop the violence in the community. We collected community stories and signatures, and challenged the renewal of the Bar’s liquor license in court. We won the case and eventually, the Pizza Bar closed. The Hamden Police department are now reporting zero residential calls and shootings, down from 100 calls and violent crimes in the area. The Hamden community took action and changed their narrative. The entire process took six months, in partnership of the Hamden Mayor and Police Chief. I can’t stop gun violence, but wanted to find a way to prevent another mother from receiving a 1:30am phone call about her son being shot from that area again.

I met my counselor in my CLP Cohort – amazing. Dr. Hadar Lubin has been a blessing and knew the importance of communicating the truth and being direct.

The production is also a platform to change the narrative for counselors so they devise a different plan of counseling. It’s not that we don’t want the treatment, but that we have years of teaching to avoid it. And the medical field has not always been a trustworthy environment for people of color. Then COVID-19 happened, and it is another layer of trauma that we cannot ignore. We need the resources in our community and counselors who are committed to helping and not judging.

I’m hoping that somebody sees Interruptions as a mirror of their story, and realizes they are not crazy, but that they need help. We’re talking about things we’re not supposed to say. Now I know why I’ve been doing that. It’s hard to look at yourself, but you can look at other people. So we’re using our story to also help others. That’s my hope.

The project has gained the attention of Clifford Beers, Integrated Wellness, school educators and the Hamden police – asking how it can be used for counseling. We’re hoping to create a workbook for high school students, so they can talk about where they were when a friend was murdered. How did their mother, sister, deal with it? They’re told not to talk about it. Their best friend may be killed on Friday, and they have to go to school on Monday with the anger, the pain, the trauma. They have to take a test, play sports, be in a relationship – and they’ve got all these negative behaviors that no one is paying attention to, except to judge them.

That gives me hope, to do something for families and especially our youth. If you need counseling, get counseling. My education, professional experience, and years on this earth had not prepared me for the effects of trauma. In the production, there is a scene called ‘PTSD and Agony.’ We turn the mirror and microphone on what it means to need help.

I am proud of the young adults that wrote their own story in this production. During the table readings and podcasts, I had friends call me and admit they never thought about how my daughter was feeling. That was a great response because the conversation is working. Next time – and there will be a next time – people will be more conscious of the entire family. Even the siblings who are pretending to be strong. And the young black man who has his friend’s number in his phone and now the friend is dead.

Trauma, generational trauma.

What a gift of healing you all are giving, helping people understand they’re not alone.

To know you’re not alone. During this process, we ignored each other. We couldn’t be around one another, because we were in our own pain and we were trying to hide from each other. Until we couldn’t anymore.

All three of us went to counseling. My trauma specialist said, I know you’re faithful, but PTSD? You can’t pray that away. You have to do the work. I had to learn what was post-traumatic stress disorder, what was post-traumatic slave syndrome. What are the behaviors in me that are showing up that I don’t recognize? I learned to self-reflect, identify the issue, and educate myself about the situation. This process helps me to stay proactive and administer the self-care I need before my emotions spiral out of control.

How do you recharge, restore, take care of yourself, rekindle your fire? You’ve talked about counseling, and before we started you mentioned tai chi; what does your self-care look like?

Before COVID, it was going to the gym – swimming and tai chi. That was the most beautiful thing I could do. Then the gym shut and tai chi ended. I listen to gospel, and I could only listen to Donnie McClurkin. It soothes my spirit. I listen to scripture audibly, I watch sermons online, there are amazing new pastors online who are giving me a new lens and outlook into the scripture. I have to relearn the scriptures and accept my new process. I am restoring my brain cells.

I’m relearning how to learn. That’s been my recharge. I go to Southern Connecticut State University’s Communication Disorders Department – they offer services at no cost for people who have brain disorders. They’ve helped me relearn. My vocabulary is slowly returning. It’s difficult to be my age with my education and suddenly struggle with grammar, sentence structure and memory. But that program has helped me tremendously. That’s what energizes me.

My daughter, granddaughter and I live together. We take care of each other. Since COVID and the schools being virtual, it’s been a challenge. But that’s why you have family.

Introduce us to someone you are/were close with personally (e.g., family, teacher, friend, mentor), who shaped (or shapes) you and how you view leadership and possibility for a better community/world?

Jonathan Q. Berryman, it’s because of him that Interruptions is being told. He was the initiator.

My daughter Jacqueline Diane Cooper. Because of her, I am alive and healing. Jackie was attempting to move out of the house the month my son was murdered. She had to stay; we needed each other. A year later, she was pursuing a new career position and was planning to move out of the house again. But then I had the aneurysm and she had to remain to care for me. When she thought about moving out again, COVID-19 happened. Talk about interruptions in life. My hope is for my daughter Jackie to be able to secure a career in culinary and move into her own affordable apartment. She has sacrificed the last four years of her life for me. It’s her time now!

Anne Watkins, whom I met in my cohort. She has been there: don’t forget about this. Let me handle that. Since my son’s death, she’s been there. She’s my personal first responder. In terms of me reinventing myself, Anne has been there.

The women of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. New Haven Alumnae Chapter. Sisterhood. They represent the epitome of sisterhood.

Bill Graustein and David Addams. When they reviewed my grant proposal for Interruptions, Bill coined the phrase ‘Odell is disrupting the silence.’ And it made sense, so I changed the title to Interruptions: Disrupting the Silence – because of the myths and cultural stigmas of mental health and the conflict with our inherited faith traditions. It is because of these two men, Interruptions was given the chance to thrive. I will always be grateful for their approval and ongoing coaching.

What do you recommend to us, in each of these categories:
  • Reading – I’m listening to audio books. One I just listened to, Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome – America’s Legacy of Enduring Injury and Healing, by Dr. Joy Degruy. It has helped me to understand my behaviors that were passed down from earlier generations or were in my DNA, that I’m trying not to pass down to my daughter. It has helped to liberate and enlighten me.
  • Listening – I am totally dependent on God, and I’m better at listening to His message and being more obedient to the voice and the rhythm of God.
  • Eating – I am eating for pleasure. If it pleases me, I’m going to eat it. Nothing in particular, it varies. Chinese food, seafood sitting by the water, a salad, making something from my garden.
  • Watching – Right now I’m watching shows on tv that make me laugh. The production is emotionally heavy, and I have to have an outlet to breathe and relax. So I find myself now watching Andy Griffith, Seinfeld. I know what’s going to happen, but I’m going to laugh. Any comedy.
  • Laughing – My granddaughter and my daughter are my joy; they make me laugh. I try to make sure that in this production, I don’t overlook them. We make sure we find time to sit down and talk and laugh.
  • Wildcard – What I’ve come to appreciate is learning to rest my brain and listen to silence. I enjoy when I get in bed, turn the tv off, and hear nothing. I try not to re-think about what I should have said, what I didn’t do, what I didn’t say the correct way – you start replaying conversations in your head that are pointless. Every night I enjoy listening to silence.

Learn more about Odell and Interruptions, scheduled for viewing Saturday, September 5 at 5pm, and Sunday, September 6 at 2:00 and 5:30pm with community conversation in-between at 4pm.

To get in touch with Odell directly: interruptions62@gmail.com

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