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One of the exercises in CLP is about identifying and clarifying our personal values. We identify our top five values, writing one each on five index cards. Then we have to drop one, and another… until we are left holding the card with our number one, top value. What is your current One right now and why?
I do this exercise a lot when I facilitate workshops; it’s one of the exercises for me.
The value that usually emerges for me is Love. And the importance of that value continues to expand as I evolve as a person and a leader.
All that said, I might want to re-do this exercise because Peace has become a very close second value. I would say that Love and Peace are back-to-back in my top rankings.
Do you want to say more about love?
A while ago, my mentor said, “I give the world what I need the most, to show myself and the universe that whatever I’m giving is abundant.”
I give love because I need it. I know that if I give love to the world, I’ll get it back exponentially.
That’s a beautiful way to frame it.
Thank you. It’s something I’ve held close for a long time. In these past several years, I’ve needed love more than ever. I’ve needed to love myself more, love others more, and understand what that meant.
I’m not a hugely religious person, but I grew up in the church. I go back to 1st Corinthians – love is patient, love is kind – as the definition driving my understanding of love. It’s a little bit of a cheat because it’s 10 or 15 values in one.
In the past year or so, love has been my energy source. It’s been my verb. It gets me up in the morning and allows me to maneuver through the world with a sense of clarity.
If love is the verb, then the adjective, in terms of my presence and how I want to be, is peace.
But if we’re talking about how I get up and aspire to move through the world every day, it’s absolutely through a sense of unmitigated and uncompromising love. Allowing that to inform my positioning and how I show up in most places.
Would you like to say more about peace?
I’m a bit of a planner and sometimes try to control things that are out of my control. I used to get very frustrated – extremely frustrated – when I lose my Air Pods, for example, even though it turns out I have only misplaced them. I’ll delve into “I should do better…” negative internal dialogue.
Over the past year or so, I have this new understanding – I’m lying in this lagoon of life, just floating. And that’s ok. I’ve been trying to control where I’m swimming and how: I want to go to this island, or I want to go here, to this body of water.
But life is this vast, abundant body of water. I feel like I’ve been splashing along, kicking my legs, rather than laying back and moving with intention and peace, allowing the water to be ever flowing and putting me in the direction that I need to be. I know that all I need to do is be present and show up in these moments. Eventually, I’ll end up where I’m meant to, destined to, or want to be.
When I think about peace, it’s about finding peace in this journey of life and being able to sit with stillness and be a metronome – always on the same beat no matter if the water is tumultuous. Whether I’m happy, sad, or in a funk, I think I can find peace within all that emotion. And that’s really where I feel I am.
At times, I stray away from that place of peace, but it’s taken me less time to get back to that baseline, and I’m pleased about that. Before, if something would happen, I’d be rocked. But now, I am able to handle those situations with more grace, grace for myself and others. I still get mad and frustrated. But at the end of the day, there’s a certain stillness that I’m starting to appreciate and see in myself. I’m trying to cultivate that a lot more.
Was the pandemic part of that transformation for you?
I don’t think it was the pandemic specifically, but this transformation occurred during this time period. I had some horrible personal experiences between March, 2020 and November, 2021.
I helped to organize the removal of the Columbus statue in downtown Wooster Square. At the time, I was in a co-living space and one of my roommates was an older Italian lady. One day when I was in my room she called the police and told them I was “anti-white.” It was a whole thing. I had to move out, which was frustrating. I talked to the property owners about it and they told me to just avoid her. But we were roommates, so that wasn’t possible. It was that idea of property over personhood.
Also, during this time, I was working in a job that I didn’t enjoy and found to be very limiting. And then in April of last year, my dad suddenly passed away. So, all in all, it was a very difficult period.
Wow, I’m so sorry.
Thank you. My dad and I had not always had the most communicative relationship. My parents divorced when I was 11 years old. He’s Nigerian and had that masculine, hyper-patriarchal, “I’m your father, and that’s my main identity to you” energy.
I always knew that, at some point, that mask would come down and we would be able to connect as two human beings. And that would heal a lot of what I was holding onto.
But one day, I’m walking through New York and get a call that my dad had passed. That kicked off my healing journey to begin to reimagine who I am, how he informed my life, and what I’m holding onto that’s no longer mine to hold.
The things I have been fighting against have allowed me to understand my resilience and appreciate how I “show up.” The world seems so much smaller now, and I’m super-appreciative of it. I feel like I have more control over my life, even as I’ve been trying to give up some of that control, and I appreciate being present.
The pandemic allowed me to sit with it all and let it sink in. Sometimes, I wake up still shocked that I am where I am today.
Thank you for sharing. I want to honor and offer deep appreciation for your recent journey. I’m also curious what you mean about the world feeling smaller?
I don’t like the word “control,” but I feel like I can hold all of it. I can hold myself in the world in ways I couldn’t before. I’m at a place where I can operate within it, where I can exist at peace and in alignment with myself and the world around me, and not be so overwhelmed by it all.
What is one big, burning leadership question you are wrestling with these days?
I’m experiencing several firsts in my leadership journey. I’m starting to operate at a higher level in running a not-small, quasi-public organization. This is top of mind today because, only recently, I was able to successfully work with my team to pass the annual budget.
In my career I’ve been an entrepreneur, intrapreneur and a bunch of positions inbetween. I’ve owned and operated a coffee shop that was a rough-and-tumble, hard-hats, get-it-done entrepreneurial journey. I did some stuff at Yale. Along the way, I’ve hired, fired, made a ton of decisions, and learned a lot.
But this is the first ‘executive director’ position I have held. When we passed the budget – millions and millions and millions of dollars – I literally had to walk out of my house just to breathe!
The question from a leadership perspective now is how do I stay humble, focused, and how do I give back? I find myself going out of my way to say ‘thank you’ more often and give that love. I’ve received so many blessings. I’m in a place of – “oh my gosh, wow, wow wow wow” – everything is being afforded to me and I’m so grateful. I have so much gratitude during this transformative period of my life. I’m absolutely swirling. It’s weird, this is some big-deal shit to me.
When I first started my coffee company, the first time I sold a bag of coffee, I was like, “oh my god, it’s real.” Now, I’m dealing with resources far beyond that. I focus largely on the resources because, for me, the money is an opportunity to help at scale, to change lives and entire generations for the better. I don’t take that responsibility lightly.
I hear a lot of thoughtfulness and mindfulness about it, being awake and aware through it.
That’s where I am right now, awake and aware. As I go deeper into this role and step more into my power, I want to be intentional about widening my emotional aperture – be more patient, kinder, and foster the type of leadership that I see from the people I admire. That’s the part I’m really excited about.
I’m sitting and being present in this moment because, next year when I pass my budget again, it’s going to be normal. I only get to pass a budget for the first time once. And I want to sit with that and honor this moment.
What inspires you, gives you hope these days?
These days, I find hope in building a team. Right now, my organization is gearing up to get the job done. I’m hiring several folks and building a resilient organizational culture. I find hope in the ability to execute at a high level, in building something from which other people will eventually find hope and take inspiration.
If my team and I can execute and build this, it will set a precedent of what it means for me to be a fairly young, well-resourced Black servant-leader in Connecticut. I’m finding more and more hope in modeling what I want to see in the world for others. Let’s face it — looking around this country right now, there’s not much to be hopeful about. And that truly breaks my heart.
I’m curious about the connection between hope and your core value of love.
If I didn’t have any love for this self-destructive society then I wouldn’t want to build hope. I love this country, this world, and our humanity so much – that’s why it hurts.
After my father passed, I thought a lot about the inherent versus developed difficulties in life. Let’s control and try to abolish the man-made – and I do mean man-made – societal oppression in this world, because we are going to lose loved ones. We’re going to hurt and experience heartbreak. This world is going to upend our lives. No one should have to experience poverty, houselessness, lack of medical attention – and grieve.
These people voting against gun control or the Supreme Court dismantling woman’s rights, I’m sure they have hurt at some point in their lives. So why would they want to perpetuate that institutionally and societally? For power? For money? Is that worth it? It’s foreign to me and so heartbreaking. It’s something I actively work to abolish every single day.
Amen. It’s always confused me why compassion isn’t activated in everyone. I’m with you in the question – it’s hard enough as it is, let’s not add more pain to it.
Yes.
Speaking of how hard it is, this work of transformational change is hard. Stepping in, stepping up, over time, can be draining – physically, intellectually, emotionally, psychically, spiritually. How do you recharge, restore, take care of yourself, rekindle your fire?
I’m an extrovert, but more so, I’m an active learner. The process of reading and writing are great, but they don’t light up my senses. Sitting down with food, wine, good conversation, people, the energy of a human, and engaging in a level of conversation that I honed at CLP – those are the things that give me hope and alignment.
I was in Calgary a couple weeks ago and had a three-hour conversation with stranger at the bar who was more conservative than me. It’s fascinating to have a conversation with someone who has the tools to actively listen and wants to learn no matter their political beliefs. I love meaningful conversations. It’s a method of rejuvenation for me.
Outside of that, every day I break a sweat is a good day. I’m talking about an intentional sweat, not when it’s hot and muggy. Whether its playing basketball, going to the gym, stretching to get the blood flowing, I love movement.
Introduce us to someone you are/were close with personally (e.g., family, teacher, friend, mentor), who shaped (or shapes) you and how you view leadership and possibility for a better community/world?
There are two people who, just by their existence and the way they show up, allow me to know that I can be better. They are the first two people who modeled the type of leader that I want to become.
The first is Keno Sadler. Keno modeled this coexistence of Blackness and excellence in a way that neither element was sacrificed. He was one of the first people to show me hard and soft skills in Blackness and masculinity can coexist and be completely aligned.
For me, being younger and Black, I haven’t seen someone like that. When I had my business, I knew several entrepreneurs and Black people. But I didn’t know many Black entrepreneurs. When I was writing a business plan, I was listening to mixtape Lil Wayne or Kanye West. I didn’t know too many Black people doing both, and it kind of felt lonely.
The other person of great importance to me is Erik Clemons. Erik shows up with energy, intentionality, and with love, but also with an opinion.
For so long, I thought being successful meant making myself small and being a mirror of the person with whom I’m interacting – holding no opinions or thoughts. I figured I would just project anything that will make them feel calm and safe in order for them to accept me as a human being.
Erik taught me that is bullshit, that we all need to do better. He shows up with, “we should not live in an oppressive society; and I still love you all, and I want us to do better, and I’m going to flip the table, and I’m going to hug you at the same table.” From Erik I realized, I can do it all.
I also really appreciate the way Erik believes in a person’s potential, and helps inspire it out of them.
I appreciate that as well. I’m always appreciative of people who look at me and say “yes, you can.” Eric was one of the first people.
The first year I was hired at Yale, with imposter syndrome out the wazoo, I only knew Yale through Gilmore Girls, despite being born and raised in Connecticut. The next thing I knew, I had a fellowship there. Erik comes in to speak. He looks at me and says, “you’ve got it, kid.” Not those words exactly, but like that. I thought, “ooookay, Erik Clemons.”
He believed in me before I did. And he was right!
I think of people as having the abundance of a universe. Society should be built to bring out the abundant nature of every one of us. Each day that someone is made small or isn’t given the opportunity to thrive is a loss for everyone. I’m having a worse experience on this Earth every day you don’t shine as bright as you possibly can. I believe that fundamentally.
That’s beautiful. It has me thinking about the tools at our disposal, and how they can be used for inspiration or the opposite. Like social media; I’m trying to show up and leave some goodness or uplift, and at the same time I’m trying to avoid it altogether. Do we use the tools, or how can we change the tools?
I have that conversation with myself all the time. One of my biggest hesitancies in taking this quasi-government job was deciding if I want to be in the belly of the beast and use those tools? What put it over the edge for me with this role is how I can model joy. To me, joy is a form of resistance. If I can create an unapologetically joyous workplace, a joyous entrepreneurial ecosystem then I’m building hope for other people.
On Twitter, I typically retweet memes because I want people to laugh. It’s a form of resistance. This world – it’s not built for us to thrive, and that breaks my heart. Anytime I can provide a little bit of joy, I will. Inter-species friendships are my shit – a cow playing with a baby pig, give me that all day! [laughing]
What do you recommend to us, in each of these categories:
- Reading – A book that Erik Clemons recommended to me – No Name in the Street, by James Baldwin. After my dad passed, I traveled through Europe for six weeks. My buddy and I got a spot in St Paul de Vence, a couple miles from where James Baldwin lived, I read No Name in the Street while looking over at Baldwin’s home. That was an incredible book and experience – the people, the place, everything. I’m appreciative of the recommendation.
- Listening – The new Drake album has me in an absolute chokehold. I almost got in an accident the other day voguing while I was driving my car. Usher’s tiny desk is the 9th Wonder of the World. Outside of that, I listen to anything and everything by BLEEKG1, I routinely put his entire discography on shuffle.
- Eating – Hachiroku Shokudo & Sake bar on Orange and Elm in New Haven. Tell them Ony. sent you. I don’t think they know who I am, but I’m trying to build clout. So tell them Ony. sent you, so that when I say I’m Ony., I get a little extra sake when I’m there. [laughing]
- Watching – Abbott Elementary. Talk about Black joy as a form of resistance. That’s my show of the year.
- Laughing – Abbott Elementary. Hell yeah.
- Wildcard – your choice – Check in with your loved ones. Make that call. Send that text. Give love. Compliment one person you don’t know every day – spread joy. I love you all.
Learn more about Onyeka’s work at CTNext, and interspecies friendship memes on Twitter
Get in touch with Onyeka directly: onyeka.obiocha@ctnext.com