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One of the exercises in CLP is about identifying and clarifying our personal values. We each identify our top five values, writing one each on five index cards. Then we have to drop one, and another… until we are left holding the card with our number one, top value. What is your current One right now and why?

Compassion. There’s a real joy in compassion. I tie it into my legacy — what would my legacy want to be? I would want it to be joy, because there is joy in real compassion.

Why I say it would be my top now, is because I care deeply enough about others that I actually want to do something about it. I want to engage in community, and that requires bringing my whole self to the work on a day-to-day basis.

And there’s a cost lately, some opposition. I think it’s been happening because life has consequences. Being a leader, building a team in the space that I’m in, which is a school, I think people mistake compassion, loving, caring, doing something, being present for one another, with – there’s no consequences. And I disagree.

I say it often, that the only way that pain thaws is through love. So, I think real compassion really calls me to roll up my sleeves and do my part.

Do you want to say more about that cost of opposition?

In community, I think that what I’m discovering more and more is that the opposition comes with those who have different core values than I do. So now we’re talking about what is my top four.

I think a lot of times we talk, and we say certain words, certain ways of living, certain practices mean something to us, but — is it parallel to how we’re living, and how we’re walking?

I have a team, staff, we talked about building that culture and community last time. I think sometimes it’s a radical way to relate to one another, to really have a desire to look at the bigger story in each one of us. If everybody has a story, then we approach people in a different way. I think it can be threatening, because it requires a degree of vulnerability, and that triggers our own stuff.

One of the words I’ve been using lately is integrity, being the same person everywhere. And when you’re the same person everywhere — the same person leading a school, in my home, with my friends, in men’s groups, with my family, and in church. I’m the same person. I think this level of honesty sometimes inspires people, and sometimes it triggers people. 

It really does. Everything is an opportunity to learn. My intention is never to trigger, but I think there’s an urgency to be open and honest with one another, and heal. There’s an urgency, because I’m watching so many people hurt themselves, either directly or indirectly. Whether it’s in substance abuse, suicide, depression, anxiety, acting out in violence — there’s so much in this world.

Back to compassion.

Yes. Caring enough to break systems of oppression. I came to build a community in school, having the courage to create a common language. That’s why CLP helped me. I was around leaders on the journey — the journey in is the journey out. If we aren’t looking at some of our own stuff, how can we be effective as leaders?

I’m not trying to get deep on you or nothing like that.

Please do.

I’ll tell you. Just walking forward in the name of calling is one of my biggest challenges lately. I think, well, if I’m called, then I should always be walking forward. But there isn’t always acceptance, or being liked. And there’s a part of me that wants acceptance. It’s nice to be liked. I want to find a way where making changes lands on everybody’s ears nicely.

Well, you know what, real change sometimes requires a mess. It gets messy sometimes before it gets better. Does that make sense?

Absolutely. And on that theme, I was about to ask you what is one big, burning leadership question you are wrestling with these days. Maybe you already answered it?

That’s it. Yeah, I think that summed it up — one of the biggest things is continuing to operate despite how messy it gets sometimes. Communities of practice requires us rolling up our sleeves and doing the work that is required. It’s painful sometimes, it’s scary. 

And, it’s who I am. I got to keep moving forward.

I’m guessing you’re also in a different organizational phase, having been there now for a few years?

Yeah, that’s right. This is the third year. It’s a very different level and a deepening. I have to pay attention to my narrative when I start saying in my mind — which I did this morning — maybe my offering isn’t for education, right? Instead of saying, hold on, this is about building community, erasing the lines, so it’s not us and them, it’s we. You know?

Totally.

And I think that’s one of the biggest things — being we and us, versus separateness.

I have a new coworker, my vice principal. She’s been a blessing to me. She’s wired differently than me, and she challenges me. She said, some people go throughout their whole life and they don’t know what their ‘Why’ is. 

I had to sit with that. It’s so painful. Because, my expectations, I mentioned before about integrity, is being the same person in all spaces, the same person everywhere. I discovered my expectations are that everyone else is living that way in their lives.

It’s hard being around our youth, right? I say it over and over — because you get the swearing, you get the disrespect, you get the behaviors. When students get to a certain point with those types of behaviors — let me tell you, it’s a challenge.

But underneath it all, there’s human hearts. So it doesn’t mean that any of that goes unchecked, but instead of stopping there with the behaviors, the work is seeing the bigger picture of what’s healthy versus unhealthy. And trying to build that community and a sense of belonging.

In school, when we get to that place, we’re having those conversations about what unhealthy looks like. We’re trying to say, how can we become healthy together? How can we heal, how can we become whole, together?

That is my challenge. That’s real. 

Thank you for sharing it. I wonder, what inspires you, what gives you hope these days?

Sometimes it’s just a simple conversation that inspires me. Confirmation. 

Of what?

Confirmation that I’m not alone on this journey. That there’s a lot of goodness in this world. And although there’s darkness, there’s evil, there’s a lot of goodness. You know, Martin Luther King said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can.” To really sit with that; it’s like we need one another. So, connections with people, genuineness inspires me. 

Self-honesty inspires me. The simplicity; we can overthink our walk, our journey, and complicate it. And you know what? It’s really meant to be lived. So when I’m living in it, there’s a peace. 

Lately, I’m going to sleep and I say to myself, ‘wow, I’m tired of growing, I’m tired of learning.’ This is when I start getting on that hamster wheel, I got to check this narrative. I think, who’s pouring into me? I get the “poor me” sometimes.

And all of a sudden, by my bed, I’m reading a journal by Henri Nouwen. He talks about life and death in a lot of his writings and what he was discovering. He didn’t know he was getting close to the finish line. It’s just a simple paragraph sometimes with a certain level of honesty that reminds me that I’m not alone. And everything just melts. I wake up, go into the prayer room, and the next thing you know, I’m full again. 

It is a gift. I certainly don’t live for others reminding me, ‘where do you get all of this energy or why are you so positive?’ Because I don’t look at myself as that. When I think of death and dying, it’s not morbid, because it makes every single day a gift, man. It really is. Every day is a gift.

I’m living the best days of my life. Truly. I was just joking around with my coworker. I said, “Every day is Christmas and every night it’s New Year’s Eve.” I really do feel that way. I try not to get too down on myself.

Speaking of keeping that perspective, this work of transformational change can be hard. How do you recharge, restore, take care of yourself, rekindle your fire?

I rekindle my fire in silence and solitude. Being in calling isn’t something that I wind up; it brings me life. You’ll hear me saying, I’m tired. Yes, it’s painful. Yes, it’s scary at times.

But it brings me life because it’s what I’m called to do, and I want to bring glory and honor to God. That’s why I’m here on this earth. There’s a higher calling. Often I see people burning out or leaving this type of work because, I think that… I’m not trying to point fingers, but we’re doing it for the wrong reasons.

It is written that Christ left the 99 for the one. Sometimes we’re planting seeds and we’re watering them and knowing that somebody else might see the flower grow, but we have to believe.

Belief is a big part of my story. I have to believe that one relationship, one connection, one word could change the trajectory of one’s life. It has for me. One relationship, one moment when somebody came to my house, it changed the trajectory of my life. They said, “You don’t have to live this way anymore.” In 1986, June 11th, I haven’t turned back since. I’ll be coming up on 39 years clean and sober.

I remember and appreciate the conversation we had about it last year.

I think it’s a choice. It’s like love; it’s not based on my feeling with my bride, right? I’m married 25-plus years now. That’s a choice. Sometimes the feelings follow. Somebody falls in and out of love. Was that person equipped to roll up their sleeves when the times got tough to keep walking forward? Then the feelings will come.

You know, I’ve learned a lot over the years about my soul. And I cry out to God, could you soak my soul with your love?

Stillness is one of my practices. I go by a lake, Branford Supply Pond, and I spend an extended period just slowing down and stopping. It takes about an hour for my mind to finally just quiet down. It’s in that quietness that I realize I can hear God’s voice remind me of how much I’m loved and that I’m his son. 

I rest in that, in the natural order of things. He takes care of the pond, the birds that just had their babies in it, all of us, and me too. It is the source of my life, my identity and being. And it’s unshakable, because I always go back to it.

I went on a weekend silent retreat up in Vermont. As I was driving up, I was listening to music. Through one particular song that came on, God brought me back to certain parts in my story. Then, during the retreat, I found myself sometimes crying with gratitude of who I was and who I continue to become now. And I think it’s in that “ing,” of becoming that I had a lot of gratitude. Writing in my journal, I became extremely emotional with a deep sense of just joy.

The only other time recently that happened to me was on a recent mission trip to Mexico. I would have never, ever imagined myself being on a mission trip in Mexico at 60 years old. We’re in the van, and I went back to a snapshot of where I grew up in an apartment complex with a single mom, a dad leaving, three children. Without a grandmother, I don’t know where we would be today.

And then I’m in Mexico; I couldn’t stop crying, they pulled over the van. I was just weeping for almost 10 minutes, of “wow, who would have known?” It was just too much for me, to go back in time to where I am today. It’s unimaginable. God’s goodness is indescribable. 

So I think staying the course, running the race — that’s the topic in the theme for this year’s graduation. It’s not just words. It really is running the race. I’m running the race. We’re running the race together.

And you know what? It’s not just me. It’s God’s children. It’s the same God in Mexico that it is right here in East Haven, New Haven, Connecticut. And it’s just so beautiful.

And then folks there were pouring out on me. Whether in group homes, or rehab, factory workers, prisons… just sharing and experiencing strength and hope. All of the spaces that we went into, all of the rhythms that we became a part of, the week there, they were building a community.

The Pastor, he had relationships with everybody. He didn’t just bring us to these places that you could tell he didn’t know nobody. They all knew who he was. They were excited to see us. And I was like, that’s how to love deeply.

Are there other practices that you want to name, in how you rekindle your fire? Food or exercise, or something else? 

Yeah, that’s a good thing that brings me life — I like to walk. I used to be a runner, now I walk. And I’m a juicer, cold press. I have a juicer and I joke a lot in the morning that I don’t drive to work, I run alongside of my car because I got so much energy. 

I’ve been juicing for over 10 years, daily in the morning. It may not be something that I wind up living longer, but the quality of my life is changed by my diet, and juice is a big part of it. I’m drinking juice right now: ginger, turmeric, lemon, carrots. The chef downstairs, she started making it, and she gives everybody shots.

It makes such a big difference. 

Yeah, definitely. So I think the other thing I really have to say is I look at rules of life, my spiritual practices. What am I doing mentally? I’m a reader. The other thing is physically; what are we doing to take care of our body? And I’ve discovered that they’re all connected. 

I look at the people that I surround myself with, I have a couple of dear friends that I meet with on Saturday mornings for coffee or breakfast. I think because of their calling, their passion for building community, we meet regardless. One of them is going on two years, the other one’s going on four years, every other week.

I need others who are passionate about making a difference in this world around me. My father’s relationship with alcohol and his lifestyle did not enable him to be present or emotionally there for me, so there was always that void. In my journey, forgiveness came and I accepted him for who he is, even with his limitations. Loving him for who he was, was a big part of my story.

But at the end of the day, I look at the men that God has put in my life, and it just blows me away sometimes. I think that is really one of the ways we encourage one another and love one another, and I think that’s the other value that is dear to me as being an encourager. So you wind up with fellowship, but then you wind up pouring into those around us. And we have to be pouring into ourselves too, right?

Definitely. And speaking of fellowship, would you introduce us to someone you are or were close with, who shaped or shapes you and how you view leadership and possibility for a better community or world?

I have to start off with Christ. I think it’s without explanation; he came to serve. And I think it’s the message of serving one another and loving. So that would be no doubt.

Next, I would have to say, my bride Denise. Because our relationship has not only evolved into sharing our faith walk with one another, but we’ve become best friends. She has definitely been a refuge and a covering over me during the good times and the not so good times as well. 

And then, there’s a couple of men that I consider vision holders, visionaries.

One is Erik Clemons, who has a vision of transforming a vibrant community in the Newhallville section of New Haven, and I watch it in progress.

Michael Jordan said something like: Trust your vision; they don’t need to see it, you do. 

I personally need people around me that are actually doing this work. Others don’t have to see it, but they do it and they stay with it. Actually, seeing their work helps me with the work that I’m called to do. I see it. There’s evidence. In a community it’s based on trust and we roll up our sleeves.

Another special person in my life is my pastor, Justin Kendrick. Far greater than a pastor, is his being a man of God. Right now we’re one church in 13 locations. A vision and continuing to move forward in communities.

I think the language is very parallel in CLP — connecting our heads and our hearts. I’m a part of a vibrant community that’s based on principles that go beyond religion. It’s not the physical things, but it’s building the community that I’m experiencing. It’s in the relationships.

As a man of God, I need to be around men like that. It’s contagious. It really continues to help run my own engine. I know God is the source. That’s why I mentioned first that it’s through Christ. But I’m going to tell you, He puts other men in your path, other people.

What do you recommend to us, in each of these categories:
  • Reading – Right now, I’m reading Cherished Belonging, by Gregory Boyle. I love the cover of the book, too. It says, “The healing power of love in divided times.” If we don’t stand for something, we’ll fall for anything. We need to stand for something, and we need each other.
  • Listening – I would say one of the sacred rhythms in my life is silence. I think silence becomes loud, even. It’s a practice — who would have thought I would be going on a weekend silent retreat, I would have never even imagined that. So, even if it starts with 10, 15 minutes, a walk, the beach, listening. That’s what I would say, silence.
  • Eating – I’m a juicer. So I’m going to say drinking cold pressed vegetable juice. Fresh daily.
  • Watching – I wake up early in the morning, and it’s dark, then it turns into daylight. So, watching the beginning of each new day. Because it’s truly a gift. When I wake up, I just say, thank you God for this new day, a new day of opportunities and offerings. It’s like, you know what? Something great’s gonna happen today. I’m excited. And I ask God, give me ears to hear and eyes to see. Also, watching our youth. I have a five year-old grandson, and watching him learn, discover and grow brings my heart a tremendous amount of joy. I’m grateful to be a part of his life as his papa. 
  • Laughing – The simple joys in life, friendship. A candid conversation over coffee. I think there’s laughter in that. And, laughing at ourselves. Because it’s easy to take ourselves too seriously.
  • Wildcard – your choice – I’m learning more about what it’s like to be where my feet are. Being versus doing, investigating a little bit more about what that practice is.

Interview with The Circle’s Creative Director & Editor Lara Herscovitch. To reach Lara directly: thecircle@clpnewhaven.org or Lara@LaraHerscovitch.com

Connect with Steve at FaceBook, Instagram, or Pathways Academy’s website

Get in touch with Steve directly: slmikolike@sbcglobal.net

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