photo by Lara Herscovitch at Edgerton Park

Throughout these past two years of the COVID-19 pandemic, I spent much time reflecting deeply on my life – where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going.

The reflection led up to this incredible moment. In 2022, I claimed Freedom. I claimed freedom of time, freedom of mind, freedom of spirit. This year, I celebrated my 60th birthday, left the job I held for 10 years and spent a week in the wilderness for the first time in my life.

First Step: A Birthday Promise

My milestone birthday this year was for an age I never imagined myself being. The day was bittersweet, because both of my siblings died in their early thirties, while my life blessing continues. Alongside the decades of grief, I’ve also struggled with feelings of guilt and confusion about it. There were many times when the horrible, traumatic experiences were just too much to bear. But my parents and I survived; we formed a circle and supported each other through it.

I realized that it all brought me to this moment; it is a part of the journey to being here, right now. I realized that the gift of life holds very deep meaning for me: “for unto whom much is given, much is required.”

A family member gave me the gift of celebrating my big day in the Bahamas on Paradise Island. It was in this beautiful place that I made a commitment to me, to live my best life. I affirmed that I would stop wasting time stuck in mental, emotional and behavioral patterns that perpetuate feelings of guilt, regret, disappointment and powerlessness.

And then I needed to figure out exactly how.

Second Step: Into Faith

I knew I had to leave my job. I didn’t hate my job; there was lots of flexibility and autonomy in my position, I loved the people I worked with, the salary was excellent (and in 2020, allowed me to send the final student loan payment, BA to PhD), and I had no new employment prospects this late in my career.

Certainly, all of these seemed like good reasons to stay. But inside, my heart never wavered about leaving. I heard the inner dialogue loud and clear, questioning the wisdom of the decision; but the truth was my enthusiasm and energy for the job was running on empty. I did not let the noise cause me to change my mind; I knew it was time.

I had no vision for myself, and was spending way too much time chasing someone else’s. It was time to claim a vision for my life and step in faith.

Detaching from the job, I got my time and my mind back; the freedom restored my sense of anticipation and adventure that I hadn’t felt since I was in my 20s. There are no words for how liberating this feels!

Third Step: Tending Fire

Through my participation in CLP and CEIO, I have connected to a loving, supportive and healing community of people. The opportunities have been powerful – for learning, growing in ways I never expected, and building relationships with people I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

This summer, I participated in a “True Transformers” series sponsored through CEIO, that took me on a profound spiritual journey. There is much introspection and extrospection in the program; I went in with the two-fold purpose of (1) claiming the vision for my life and (2) connecting with my Source.

The practicum involved traveling to a place called Mossyrock in Washington, and spending a week in the wilderness. I had known for many months that I would be going; but the closer the departure date, the more I became filled with anticipatory anxiety. I found myself looking for reasons not to go. I considered every excuse and possible concern: leaving my elderly dad for a week, high airfare costs, rampant flight cancellations, bugs and critters, and safety issues around being in ‘the woods.’

I talked with friends about my uneasiness; everyone was supportive of whatever I chose to do.

There was a turning point; something not-quite-explainable shifted in me, and I felt the need to become quiet, get ready, make preparations.

Everything started to fall into place. Family members agreed to check in on my dad, and I found affordable airfare. Finally, on July 9 in the pre-dawn hours, I arrived at Bradley International Airport. Despite my worries, the flight was neither delayed nor cancelled, and I boarded the plane that would take me across the country to Mossyrock.

I didn’t know what to expect. I mostly thought about being resigned to the prospect of dealing with the outside bugs and critters that for most of my life I had steered clear of. Instead, I found that the beauty of the land took my breath away every day; it blew my mind.

I did things I had never done; for the first time in my life, I worked directly with the land. I walked in fields of waist-high grass and flowers with no fear, breathing in the healing aromas of sage and cedar. I made friends with spiders. I connected with trees and other natural life. I hauled firewood in a wheelbarrow, which I had never in my life touched before.

And I performed my most-feared act.

I had never before lit any fire, for the real fear of burning the house down. But being in this amazing place inspired me to volunteer to be one of the fire tenders for the campsite. Our collective mandate was to keep the fire burning for 48 hours straight; my main tools were a metal shovel and rake. We lit tree twigs to get the fire started underneath the logs of wood; added wood and stacked it so that air could get through to keep the fire lit; repositioned hot wood from different angles when the fire got too low.

Much to my surprise, I fell in love with the fire. The burning wood smelled sweet, the sound of crackling wood was all I could hear, the flames were beautiful and held my full, unadulterated attention. Instead of being afraid as I had expected, the experience felt like something I had been doing all of my life or perhaps in another life.

Being a campfire tender during that week was truly transformative. I had conquered that fear!

Fourth Step: Bring it Home

I returned to Connecticut with a realization that most importantly, I’ve rekindled a childlike fearlessness of the natural environment – in turn, strengthening my connection to Source and rejuvenating my spiritual walk.

Over these past six decades, I have reflected many times about what is guiding me: my situation or my Source. My Source has always been God-Jesus Christ. My connection to Source has generally been through traditional religious practices; this experience in ‘the woods’ expanded it far beyond my imagination.

I learned what connecting to Source really means. I deeply connected with and honored the sacredness of rocks, trees, plants and all that is alive in nature and so freely given.

I am walking the talk of deep appreciation and gratitude daily, regardless of external circumstances. In my living and decision-making, I am practicing being led by Source and not situations. I have time to wander and enjoy and let go of attachments that do not serve a healthy purpose.

This is my joy and my vision for my life is clear! Although it has often been a journey of heartache, it also brought me to this place. It is not about being perfect or trouble-free; this joy is internal, a mindset of being, and a grace that I will cherish and protect.

To reach Deloris directly: deloann62@gmail.com

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